This post is dedicated to my 4 daughters and to the sisters of Community of Faith Bible Church.

Now to my single
sisters
let me offer a few points of
biblical advice. And FYI, this series is personal for me. I have four beautiful
daughters and a church full of my sisters whom I want to get married. As a
father and a pastor, I carry a heavy burden, wondering if my brothers will do
the right thing and marry them. And I wonder sometimes if my sisters will
wisely help them. Also, to me this is a deep burden because I am convinced that
how the urban church responds to the crisis of “marriagelessness” will as
clearly as any single issue determine its future health. I’m not panicking
though, because Jesus said He would build His church, and I am one black
preacher who believes God brings revivals when His people heed His Word. So
here is my fatherly advice to sisters waiting for Mr. Right.
1st Trust the Lord, all good
gifts come from Him, including husbands
God is omnipotent,
which means He can do anything, so trust Him. God is omniscient, which means He
knows how to do everything, so trust Him. And God is also omni-beneficent,
which means that no child of God has to twist His arm - as if we could - for
God to bless His own. The quintessence of being a Christian is being
unimaginably, wonderfully, undeservedly blessed by God. We’re blessed, sisters.
Let me then ask you what God asked Abraham when he wavered in his faith, “Is
there anything too difficult for the Lord?” Learn to trust Him in this way—that
He is always being good to you and that He delights in blessing you. Make your
daily meditation the following promises:
Psa. 84:11 For
the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
Rom. 8:32 He who did
not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also
with Him freely give us all things?
So if no one is
showing special interest in you, resist the temptation of your flesh and Satan
to pull you down with the lie “no one cares for you.” God does and does so
infinitely. Rather tell yourself:
Psa. 73:25 Whom
have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
Psa. 73:26 My
flesh and my heart may fail, (can I add your dreams of a mate) but God is the
strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psa. 73:28 But
as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge.
2nd Listen to Your Fathers. They
really do know best.
Men really
do know men better. It’s more than a cliché that good girls end up with bad
guys. Your fathers (or spiritual fathers, if you don’t have one) or will be an
invaluable source of wisdom in helping you discern if he really is Mr. Right
Totally Wrong.
I remember a
time when all the ladies in our church (including the church mothers) picked a
guy for one of the single ladies in the church. When I caught wind of it, I was
stunned. That dude was a snake. I had just been moving towards church
disciplining him, but he left the church. Sisters, this happens a lot. All the
spiritual fathers in the church can tell who the bad dudes are. There is good
biblical reason why pastors officiating weddings ask the father, “who gives
this woman to be married to this man?” to which the father answers, “I do.” 1
Cor 7:36-38 lays the duty of giving a young woman in marriage on the bride’s
father.
People are best
known by their relationship to their communities. CFBC is a Bible-centered
community of faith striving to please God and live for His glory. We have men
and women within our community who are thriving in it, who are submissive to it,
and therefore growing in it. But we also have men and women in our community
who are indifferent to it and who are rebellious to it. A casual outside
observer of our community couldn’t know who was who. But the fathers of the
various communities should, and they should be sought out by singles to get
confirmation. For example, one of the favorite sons of our sister church
married one of the favorite daughters of our church. As pastors, we had talked
to each other to make sure our favorite son and daughter were getting a good woman
and a good man from our communities. We had confirmed that they were, and they
listened to us and are now building a strong godly marriage as missionaries in
Haiti.
3rd Shorten Your List to the
essentials. Thinking Realistically is Better than Romantically
Notice, I
didn’t say compromise your convictions, but I am appealing that you replace preferences
on your list with biblical requirements. Does he love the Lord? Will he love and lead you? I’m
struggling to add anything else to the list as absolutely essential. And I intentionally
didn’t say anything about looks, because the Bible says in 1 Sam. 16:7 when the
Lord sent Samuel to find a king for His people, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of
his stature . . . for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the
outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” Brothers, before you say “Amen,”
the same advice applies to you.
Looking for
the wrong things, and worse, making them a priority, will obscure your vision
from seeing Mr. Right and lead you right into the arms of Mr. Wrong. Without
the right perspective, you might let Mr. Right ride right past you because he
doesn’t come riding in on a white horse and doesn’t look like Prince charming.
Listen to
how unromantic my proposal was to my wife, who previously was attending UCLA
Medical School and had dated another Bruin who was heading to law school. I
said something like, “The Lord has called me to the hard part of the city. I
will not pursue making a lot of money. I may never be able to buy you a new car
and much less a house”—pause—then on bended knee I asked her, “Will you marry
me?” Now I did say a few romantic things like “I want to be your best friend”
and “I love you.” She said, “Yes” and at the time, my salary was 20
something K a year. She even willingly
submitted to my request to become a homemaker to take on the busy role of being
a pastor’s wife. She wisely didn’t expect me to be where I am today. She was
willing to start with humble means and help me get to where I am (and we are)
today.
In terms of
available men, these are lean times, sisters. Satan’s schemes have been all too
effective against our brothers. But a wise sister will learn to be content with
a shorter list and learn through a godly courtship how to be a godly helper. Both
contentment and being a good helper have to be learned, and the Bible, not the
world, is the only source for that. Which leads to my next point:
4th
Be Ready to be a Helper, not Leader
A well-known
preacher once said, “Anything with two heads is a monster.” Sisters, getting
married means becoming a helper. With that being the case, it’s important to start
learning how to do that while single. Life is directional. If you are carving out
an unalterable path of exclusive leadership, then how will you be a perfect fit
for Mr. Right since God calls the man to be the head of marriage (Eph 5:23)?
Marriage has
to be important enough for you to be willing to alter your priorities if the
opportunity for marriage presents itself. That means you need to be willing to
put off or say no to a career, traveling with the girls, or even more
education.
Here’s a
test you can take now to see if you are spiritually growing in the right
direction.
How helpful,
supportive, respectful and submissive are you to your father (figure) and
pastors now? I can think of no clearer indicator that you are ready for
marriage than the status of your relationship to the male authorities in your
life now.
More
important than putting yourself out there so you’ll be noticed, is putting on the
humility of Christ so that He will honor you. Singleness has purposes—the main
one is to learn how to live with a single devotion to Christ (1 Cor 7:32, 35). God
will use your godly character and not worldliness to attract your Mr. Right.
One more
point, if a brother seems to be showing an interest in you, you have every
right to know if he’s just being a brother or if he thinks the Lord might be
leading him to pursue a more serious relationship with you. If he says he wants
to lead you in a relationship to see if the Lord is moving you towards
marriage, and if your father (figure) affirms his character, the community confirms
his relationship to the Lord, then find a “Naomi” to help you learn how to help
him lead your relationship. It’s not only okay if you help him, you should. Your Boaz will need you to be
his helping Ruth. You just have to make sure through godly counsel and
accountability you are doing so wisely and in a godly way. Now having said that,
make him lead. Don’t show him all your cards and spell out all of your
feelings. Affirm his leadership but make sure he is the one who is out front
and not you. And finally, don’t confuse every act of brotherly service as a
sign of romantic interest. He may have sat near you at church on Sunday because
he saw an open seat. Remember the brothers should be interacting with you as
platonic brothers, 1 Tim 5:2.
5th Seek First His Kingdom and
Righteousness: Not a Husband
Make Christ
the pursuit of your life and not getting a man. If a brother does show interest in you, never
feel so pressed to have him that you
let go of God to get him. Honestly keep evaluating your
relationship with the question, “Is God giving me to him and is He confirming
that by showing that this relationship is a good thing?” An obvious way to discern
if God is giving you to your supposed Boaz, is to deal with integrity with the
yellow or red lights God shows you. If God shows you a yellow light, then slow
down (don’t speed up!) and work through the problem. Learning to work through
your yellow lights (problems) is a key to having a future God-glorifying
marriage. If when you slow down, you still can’t work through your problems in
a healthy way, then that yellow light turns into a red light. And red lights
mean stop! Psalm 23 is real. It promises that with the Lord as our Shepherd He
leads us to greener pastures and calmer waters. He doesn’t lead us to run
through red lights into disastrous crashes.
What is an example
of a red light? Here’s one: He has more arms than an octopus and can’t
control himself and honor your purity. That’s a big red light, sisters. The
Word of God states, “This is the will of
God, your sanctification, that is, that you abstain from sexual
immorality,” 1 Thess 4:3. How can you possibly believe that your relationship
is in the will of God and you are fornicating, which by definition means that
you are out of the will of God?
You have influence
to help. If he is stuck and can’t get past courtship, then pull out of the
relationship and don’t go back until he is ready. Don’t ignore yellow lights or
red lights. If you are open and transparent with your relationship to godly,
wise counsel, God will make His will clear. Don’t compromise and settle for
less; instead seek God first and know that He will add everything to your life
that’s good and right. Singleness with the Lord is better than any relationship
with a professing unsaved religious so-called brother.
As I close, let me give a quick word of
thanks to my mid-week fellowship group who helped me think through this final post.
Now may God, who is omnipotent,
omniscient, and omni-benevolent ignite a passion for Christ-glorifying marriages
within His church and motivate urban men to take the lead in pursing the hands in
marriage of godly women who know how to help Mr. Right know that he is Mr.
Right.
Thank you for reading.
Pastor Bobby Scott